


Aftermath

by singvogel



Series: Moonwood [3]
Category: Forgotten Realms
Genre: Angst, F/M, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-13
Updated: 2015-05-17
Packaged: 2017-12-29 07:57:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 18,471
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1002908
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/singvogel/pseuds/singvogel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Five years after the events of Never say never, they are no closer to resolving their past than before, but life sometimes has a way of forcing you to make certain decisions.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> The Forgotten Realms/recognisable characters appearing in this story are © Wizards of the Coast, Inc., all rights reserved. They are used without permission and for entertainment purposes only. No profit is being made by the autor.

 

When he feels strong arms winding around his waist from behind Tos'un is instantly awake, but he makes no move to evade the touch. He knows exactly who has come to him tonight.

 

So it is going to happen again, he thinks bitterly, hating himself for being too weak to actually resist at least inside the privacy of his own mind. The fact that he has been expecting and not even tried to evade this only makes it worse. There was a time when he still said things like: I wish you wouldn't do this and please stop, but he has stopped doing that about a year ago. It isn't like he ever expected it to work anyway. It never has and never will, so he may just as well spare himself the effort.

 

"You are quite late tonight", he whispers instead still staring ahead into the darkness of his bedroom, unwilling to face the newcomer.

 

"Were you hoping that I would not come at all?"

 

“I have long ago given up on that hope”, he answers softly, still not quite prepared to turn around, but shivering helplessly nonetheless as skillful hands glide slowly across the warm skin of his stomach, barely touching, but making sudden heat coil in his belly in spite of that. The hands are soon joined by soft lips on his shoulder. It is not enough yet to forget, but he knows that it will not take very long until he will arch his back under these hands and lips and plead for more. It never ceases to amaze Tos'un how quickly Jaellien can reduce him to this, make him moan, unable to do anything but feel. How the other seems to know exactly just where to touch in order to have him trembling, powerless to resist. Even if he had ever been in a position to refuse, in those moments Tos'un would not have been able to do it anyway. He hates and craves those moments in equal measure, because then at least he is also unable to think about his betrayal. The guilt and self loathing will come only afterwards, when he can remember again that he is not supposed to enjoy this.

 

He still remembers a time when this kind of pleasure held no threat for him, because then he was still under the impression that he was the one who held all power between them. Those days have long passed though. And looking back Tos’un has to admit that even then Jaellien had sometimes been able to tempt him into doing some things he would not have done otherwise.

 

At least he knows that he is not the only one to have mixed feelings about these strange nighttime meetings Jaellien keeps inflicting on him. Tos'un is fairly sure that the blond Mage is still not happy about the fact that he ever started this. It does not mean that he will be able to bring himself to stop though. They are both tied together by twisted bonds forged long ago, neither of them strong enough to break the connection now that it should have become meaningless.

 

The drow suspects that this is hurting both of them, but hurt has ever been part of their relationship, so maybe it should not surprise him that he cannot help but await each visit with a strange mix of excitement and revulsion. At least this is better than being whipped, or so he tells himself. He should already know it to be untrue, but he holds onto that illusion against his better judgement. What Jaellien gains from this he cannot quite guess, but it does not seem to be enough in any case, judging by the hungry yet still angry expression the Mage usually has on his face when he comes to him.  

 

The drow can feel the bed dip as Jaellien momentarily abandons his task of making him shiver in order to twist out of the light robe he was wearing when he arrived. The first time the Mage teleported directly into his bed, Tos'un nearly stabbed him in surprise. On some nights he almost wishes he had really done it. The moment is long gone though and the opportunity has passed.

 

Finally Tos'un turns around to regard the now naked elf behind himself. His eyes suddenly grow wide though at the unexpected sight of short blond strands which are tumbling chaotically around the narrow face. What happened to the long braid he has grown accustomed to seeing?

 

"What did you do to your hair?" he blurts out unthinkingly, blinking like a startled deer.

 

Of course that was the wrong thing to say. Even after almost five years of this Jaellien still reacts to most of what comes out of Tos'uns mouth as if he was being most grievously insulted. It is one of the reasons why the drow still avoids talking to him beyond simple questions and statements of the obvious. And even those can be risky.

 

"If you don't like it I advise you to close your eyes", the blond Mage hisses back, green eyes narrowing in ready annoyance.

 

It is so tiring this everlasting, bristling urge to attack at each perceived slight. In moments like this one Tos'un wonders if what he does here will ever be enough. Probably not. If it was there would have been at least some slight change, he reasons to himself. He has honestly tried over the last few years to atone for at least some tiny part of his deeds, but nothing he has let Jaellien do to him, no amount of submission ever seemed to make an impression on the angry elf now in bed with him. It is all so exhausting and he simply does not know what to do anymore. He has no way to stop this, now even less than ever before. What he has allowed Jaellien to do also condemns him now, because if he had not been guilty, then why would he have let him?

 

If he says something now, trying to explain, Jaellien will just give caustic answers twisting his words and throwing them back at him like stinging arrows. Tos'un knows that because it has happened so often that he thinks he just can't bear it any more. He can take the physical side, the sex, but this constant aggression, this blame and the anger is becoming harder to accept each time. In the beginning they would regularly hiss and spit at each other like enraged cats before falling into bed anyway, but after all these years he has grown weary and it is hard to muster the same anger he felt before. So instead tonight Tos'un tries to do something else. Without saying another word he slowly lifts his arm and slides his fingers carefully through silky, blond hair, watching Jaellien closely for a reaction.  

 

This is not something he has tried before, because doing this, deliberately initiating contact like this, when he his not moaning and writhing mindlessly beneath the other, means more commitment on his part than he usually wants to allow himself. It leaves him open to attack, makes him complicit in the deeds he still wants to deny and forget each day. Up until now he has most assiduously avoided to do anything beyond letting Jaellien take whatever he wants or doing as he is told. There is nothing left though, besides this. He has already tried everything else and failed. It will hurt worse, knowing that he has actively participated in the betrayal of the vows he made to his wife, but if nothing changes Tos'un feels that this will eventually drive him mad. There has to be something which will break through this terrible wall of hurt and fury Jaellien has surrounded himself with.

 

For a few short moments it almost appears like Jaellien is softening. He seems to lean into the light but tender caress almost imperceptibly. Tos'un's rising relief is short lived though, because the green eyes soon harden again and the Mage grips his wrist, pulling the hand away.

 

"Oh, no! You don't get to control this", he snarls harshly, pushing Tos'un backwards, down onto the mattress. The drow complies, but in his chest he can barely ignore the aching, hollow feeling of another defeat. All he really wants to do is to curl up and ignore the world for a while, but it is not to be. The Mage kneeling above him demands his attention quite insistently, even though Tos'un has to force himself to dredge up the needed interest for the following until he can finally manage to push it all away for long enough to drown himself in physical sensation. He can still feel the anger though, in each touch that sears his skin, in every scratch and scrape of small white teeth on his neck. Somehow he has managed what he had not even thought possible and made things worse. He almost welcomes the pain as Jaellien takes him more harshly than he usually does. The pain of his body finally matches what he feels on the inside. It seems appropriate somehow.

 

It does not last very long though and afterwards Tos'un finds himself still lying on his back among the sweaty sheets and rumpled pillows, staring at the ceiling and he wonders fleetingly if his eyes are betraying the aching emptiness he is feeling right now. Apparently they do, because Jaellien frowns at him from where he is standing beside the bed, pulling on his robe.

 

"What are you doing?" He demands as if this too was somehow Tos'un's fault. "Stop acting like the distressed virgin which I know you're not."

 

"I'm just tired", the drow mumbles wearily and now he really does turn around and curl away from the other. He is silently asking himself when Jaellien has become the one who is hard and controlled and when he has turned into the weak, pathetic and powerless one. He cannot deny though that these visits, paired with the constant aggression are slowly taking their toll on him. "I'm so tired of fighting. Please just go."

 

Much to his surprise Jaellien does exactly that, teleporting away without another word.

 


	2. Chapter 2

Tos'un spends the next day quietly hating himself. It is worse than usual. He thinks that he should not have done what he did. The fact that he has participated even this much leaves him feeling terrible and dirty, unable to push it all away in the light of day, like he usually would. He is almost glad that Sinnafein is going to be away at least four more days, because as much as he misses her, he also does not want her to see his distress. After what he did he probably does not deserve her presence anyway, no matter how he longs for it. Jaellien always picks times like this to approach him and Tos'un suspects that the Mage has somehow devised a way to trace their movements. How else would he know? The thought is uncomfortable and he tries to shake it off, not wanting to think of the other more than he has to. His recent failure still hurts.

 

The following night is spent tossing and turning. Tos'un has changed the sheets and bathed, like he always does after these nighttime visits, but somehow he thinks he can still smell Jaellien around himself. It keeps him from resting. Maybe he really is turning mad.

 

When he stumbles out of the bedroom the next morning feeling more tired than when he went to bed Tos'un is greeted by the unprecedented sight of the blond elf sitting very still on one of the four chairs around their sturdy wooden table. The drow comes to a staggering halt, wondering if he might be having hallucinations. Jaellien has never come here during the day after that first incredibly awkward, uncomfortable visit more than five years ago. To see him sit in his kitchen now makes it all more real than Tos'un can bear at this moment. Dark green eyes regard him unflinchingly as he fights the urge to turn around and slam the door closed again to block out this unwelcome situation. Unable to bring himself to say anything the drow merely leans against the wall, waiting for whatever will come now.

 

"I have been thinking", Jaellien says almost neutrally, watching him intensely.

 

"About?" Tos'un finally asks wearily, when it becomes clear after some moments that his input is actually expected this time.

 

"You." Jaellien lips twist into an ugly self depreciating smile. "I do that far too often in any case, I will admit, but this was different. What you did..."

 

The drow only inclines his head, trying to squash the tiny sliver of hope which is rising inside him again. Hope is treacherous, he is aware of that, but he cannot help himself. He needs this all to end before he falls to pieces. Something has to happen, because they cannot go on like this.

 

"I need to know", Jaellien says, leaning forward intently, "did you mean it?"

 

He wishes he did not, but he knows exactly what the blond elf means when he says that. Tos'un can only hope that something will change with his sacrifice, for it will cost him so much. To give so much of himself is exactly what he has tried to avoid for the last years. It is not even the fact that he does not want to, he feels enough desire to make it appear like a pleasurable prospect on some level. At least it would be without the fact that this very desire also makes him feel terrible. But it seems that Jaellien will not be satisfied with anything less than that and Tos'un simply has no strength left to fight him any longer.

 

"Yes", he whispers very softly, already afraid of what might come after such a confession. "I did."

 

To his great surprise Jaellien actually looks astonished at the prompt answer.

 

"Somehow I never really expected something like this from you. I hoped for it of course, but I think I never actually expected it to happen", the Mage says after a few seconds, sounding as if he does not quite know what to do with the gift he has just been given. "I may have reacted too harshly, but you surprised me. I thought you were doing that to gain control, because you had finally figured out how much I wanted... I expected you to mock me. Only you never did..."

 

Tos'un can see how much Jaellien has to force himself to utter this strange almost apology. The way the mage's lips are thinning even as he speaks shows it clearly. He is aware that the other does not trust him. This is more than he has ever received before during the last few years though and the small flame of hope burns on inside him.

 

"We are too good at hurting each other", Tos'un whispers, still wary of this sudden change in the established routine, but quietly hoping that this will finally be enough. After this he has nothing else left.

 

"Will you come to Silverymoon? For a little while?"

 

Even though Jaellien tries to hide it Tos'un can see the desperate hunger in him. It startles him in its intensity, because he has never been able to see it so clearly, overlaid with anger as it usually is.

 

"You would really want me to do that?"

 

The request is unexpected to say the least. It leaves Tos’un unsure of what might happen next.

 

"I have resigned myself to wanting you a long time ago", Jaellien admits, tiredly as if it surprises him that Tos'un has not figured this out for himself. And maybe he really should have. Had he not been so intensely focused in shutting all memories of their encounters out of his mind during his everyday life he might have seen it. "If you finally offer some part of yourself other than your body then I do not want to share it. At least for a short time. I am selfish enough to enjoy it while I may."

 

To say that Tos'un is surprised by this sudden admission is quite the understatement.

 

"I never thought that you would want something like that", he says carefully, already prepared for an angry response, but this time Jaellien merely frowns, rubs his face tiredly and says: "All I got from you during the last years I had to take by force, I don't know why it would surprise you so that once you finally decide to offer something worthwhile, I will take it gladly."

 

Tos'un only stares at the Mage for a few seconds, as if he has never seen him before. He wonders numbly how much pain he could have spared himself by doing this earlier, but he also knows that he could not have brought himself to give so much without this kind of strain, not until Jaellien had pushed him to the end of his endurance. And it will still hurt. It is not only his wife Tos'un realises now. It is a large portion of what makes this so hard, but there is also the fact that he has never wanted to bare himself to the other, to open himself up so much. It frightens him more than anything. There are parts of him even Sinnafein does not know, parts that Jaellien has already come closer to knowing than any other living being. They are also mostly the parts of himself he does not really wish to look at too closely from his current place in life.

 

"It is not an easy thing for me to do", the drow admits quietly, bowing his head forward until he can hide his face behind a merciful curtain of white hair.

 

"If it were so easy, then it would not have any value to me", Jaellien answers with a gentleness that is so unusual for him it almost comes as a shock to Tos'un. "You took so much from me", the blond elf says and his voice carries the sadness and regret of many years, but for the first time there is more sadness than anger. He is getting up now, walking towards the drow, a searching look on his face, as if he needs reassurance that Tos'un will indeed give to him what he has promised by his actions. Only when the other is standing directly in front of him Tos'un can finally bring himself to say something.

 

"Please...", he does not even know what he should ask for, only that he desperately needs some kind of reassurance if he really is to do this. "I am more vulnerable than you seem to think", he finally pleads without really pleading.

 

Nonetheless he lets his head fall onto the robed shoulder in front of him, wondering how it can be that he actually feels comforted by the gesture when Jaellien embraces him slowly, a little hesitant, as if searching for the right way to do this. After the long time both of them have spent hissing and snapping at each other in defensive anger it feels strange now to let this happen. It is so very different from their usual encounters.

 

"You still hide it so well though, don't you?" Jaellien says softly, his warm breath ghosting across the drow's neck until Tos'un shivers.

 

"Hiding things used to be a matter of survival for the better part of my life", the Tos'un reminds him, speaking into the warm cloth beneath his face. "Even though it seems to cause me more hurt than good now it is not something I will ever be able to let go of entirely."

  
"No. I guess not."


	3. Chapter 3

When he steps into the house he has not set foot in since that fateful evening years ago Tos’un cannot help himself. He looks towards the curtain, which hides Jaellien’s private room, where he received one of the most terrible whippings he can remember and he shivers. It proved to him that the mage is capable of just the same level of violence and vengefulness  which he himself can achieve with the right motivation.

 

Of course the blond elf has noticed his look.

 

“That is not going to happen again”, he says, sounding not quite reassuring to Tos’un, but rather a bit like he is trying to convince himself as he speaks. The drow lets it go for now, because he recognizes that there is at least the intention of making it true.

 

If he did not feel so terrible, Tos’un would have laughed when Jaellien finally leads him into the kitchen only to turn around and say: “Would you like something to eat?” with an almost endearingly helpless expression.

 

Neither of them really knows how to behave, how to fill this new truce with meaning, but for the moment they both try their best to keep their interaction from deteriorating into angry, barbed comments and insults like it usually does so swiftly the moment either of them opens their mouth.

 

“I... “, Tos’un hesitates, but he remembers too well how the mage would manage to spoil each and every meal even under threat of severe pain. He never managed to do anything beyond the simple cutting of meat and vegetables to any degree of their satisfaction, so it had usually fallen to Tos’un and Ad’non to do all the actual cooking and spicing. “If you are really...”

 

“You can do the final preparing”, Jaellien cuts in drily and saves him from trying to phrase it as a polite request.

 

Relieved but not quite trusting that this deceptive sense of relative peace will hold Tos’un merely nods. He is not very surprised to find that Jaellien’s cupboards and shelves are almost bare except for a few very basic vegetables, salt and some bread. Apparently the other has not developed any new surprising talents when it comes to cooking. It is very strange to know someone so well but also not at all, he thinks. He notices how Jaellien is watching him out of the corner of green eyes with a certain wariness, almost as if he expects that Tos’un will suddenly turn around at any second to hit him or start to say something cutting and derisive.

 

Some months ago he might have done exactly that, if only because he hates being stared at and his guilt is lying so heavily inside his stomach already. He should not be here. What would Sinnafein think if she knew? What would she say? It makes him uncomfortable enough that he has to keep himself from squirming, but he has vowed to himself that he will not take the usual escape route this time. He said he meant it and at the time he did, so now he will simply have to follow through with his words, no matter how much he would suddenly like to hide behind scathing comments. It would be easy to provoke Jaellien enough, which is what he usually does, almost without effort. But he also hates it. He hates it and it is slowly destroying him from the inside. There has to be something better than the endless fighting they have been engaged in during the last years.

 

Tos’un realizes only now, how much of a wall he has also built around himself, that maybe it is not only the other who has been shielding behind their aggressive spats throughout the years. Maybe he has been lying to himself in a way when he attributed all aggressiveness to Jaellien, because while the mage certainly is the more vocal one, Tos’un realizes now how tempting it feels to slide back into the old track and avoid being more open and approachable, no matter how much he does not actually want them to fight again. He only needs to say or do something he knows would cause the blond to hiss at him with the instant anger of hurt feelings. It would end all this, his guilt, his fear of being hurt in a different way. In a way much more painful and terrible to him, because he has never really been taught how to deal with it except in violent retaliation.

 

“I’ve never been quite aware of just how hard I have been fighting against you”, Tos’un says, traces of his initial surprise still lingering in his voice. Very carefully he keeps his hands and eyes on the carrots he his currently slicing.

 

“Until now”, Jaellien says, sounding strangely relieved.

 

“I was taught very early and harshly to always guard myself at all costs”, the drow admits. “I guess I did not realize how much those teachings have stayed with me even after spending more than two decades up here.”

 

“You also do not trust me, like you would trust Sinnafein.”

 

Tos’un thinks he can detect a little bit of hurt in that statement, but it is perfectly true. You almost killed me, he thinks then. He does not say it out loud, for it would change nothing, because Jaellien knows it as well as he does. There is no good reason for him to trust the blond mage.

 

“You have more reason to cause me harm.”

 

He has phrased it as neutrally as he could, but Tos’un can sense how Jaellien stiffens beside him in frustration.

 

“I do not... “, the blonde hisses, old, familiar anger seeping back into his voice, but then he breaks off and only grounds out: “Please excuse me for a moment”, before he flees from the kitchen and leaves the drow still staring at a half sliced carrot.

 

It takes only a few minutes before the mage returns, but when he does he has a determined expression on his face, which tells Tos’un that this discussion is not over yet. Carefully he puts the knife away.

 

“Besides that first day, when you came here”, the mage says tightly, watching him closely as if the answers to his questions will appear in Tos’un’s face any second, “when have I caused you any harm in the last five years? What makes you assume that I want to do that right now?”

 

“I would, if I were in your place.”

 

Jaellien stares at him now, clearly surprised at such an open admission. Honesty can be brutal, Tos’un thinks, but it is true. He has admitted that much to himself over the years, but the blank stare he is receiving prompts him to continue: “You said once that I have not changed at all and in a way you were right. Even though I do love Sinnafein, prefer the life I have now and have even found a certain measure of desire for peace and trust in my heart, if someone was to treat me like I did you I would take the opportunity for revenge if it was presented to me and I would revel in it.”

 

The last is spoken almost like a challenge, but all it does is make Jaellien groan in frustration and rub his face in gesture that is pure helpless aggravation.

 

“I know that!” he snaps, looking up again. “But did it never occur to you that I. Am. Not. You?!”

 

He has kept himself from saying it before, but now the words burst out of Tos’un’s mouth almost without thought: “You were angry enough to almost kill me! What am I supposed to expect? It’s not like you ever stated clearly what you want from me! Besides pushing me into your bed you never did anything but hiss, yell and snap at me at every opportunity.”

 

He can hear Jaellien grind his teeth, but the drow still does not quite understand what frustrates the blonde elf so much. In his mind there is still no definite indication as to what Jaellien might really expect from him, except for the obvious, but that has already come to pass in any case.

 

“Fine!” the mage yells suddenly, hitting the table with tightly curled fists. “I’ll admit it then, because after five years you still don’t seem to get it. But if you say one fucking taunting word, if you ever dare to try and use this against me I will strangle you and hang you by your own entrails!”

 

He hesitates for a moment and stares at the now rigid drow as if to see whether his threat will be taken seriously. Apparently satisfied when Tos’un merely stares back in silent, wide eyed shock he finally continues: “All I want from you, all I EVER wanted, is that you acknowledge me, my worth as a person, not as some toy or tool to play with, use and discard, but as someone you could actually respect. I just want to know that I am worth something to you, that you care damn you. As you might have noticed a single nice gesture from you almost had me break down right there. I really am that pathetic. And yet you never did that before and it always made me furious how you could still be so fucking distant and uncaring except for when I broke your control with sex or pain or if I managed to make you angry, but I could not leave it alone and kept coming back even though it hurt every single fucking time. And now after five years of this I am tired, hurt and lonely and I just don’t know what to do anymore!”

 

Jaellien’s voice breaks on the last sentence and somewhere during this half yelled, rambling speech his eyes have taken on a suspicious shine which speaks of tears long suppressed.

 

“In a way knowing that you love her only makes it worse”, he continues before Tos’un can say something in reply to this latest revelation, “because now I am certain that you are actually capable of caring enough. I just hate the thought that you would never give this kind of consideration to me, even after I have already given you so much. It seems that it all had no value at all. My dignity, my pride, all of it meant nothing to you. There were times in my life when I literally lived and breathed for your approval, for the tiniest bit of kindness. And even though I hate the fact, that need seems to have stuck with me somehow on some very deep level I cannot control. There really is nothing I can do about that so I am resigned to it by now. But when you said that you were tired of fighting I hoped that maybe something would finally change, but we are still here, fighting again.”

 

He sounds so lost that Tos’un’s heart clenches in sudden empathy, a feeling which is unusual in regards to this particular elf, when he has done all he can to distance himself from the other, to ignore the seeds of compassion which nonetheless seem to have grown somewhere deep inside his soul. What Jaellien just described to him mirrors his own thoughts and emotions in a way he cannot ignore.

 

“My feelings are not as different as you might think”, the drow says softly, looking down on his hands again, because he cannot face the hopeless look in the mage’s eyes right now. “But don’t you see that what you’re asking from me goes against the very things which have been taught to me by my wife, the things you want from me too? I love her, so how can I betray her by granting you what you wish for?”

 

Jaellien’s look at these words is pure misery.

 

“I’m not asking you to stop loving her”, he says hopelessly, dark eyes wide and deep with the pain he usually covers up so well.

 

“But you are asking me to betray my vows, to hurt her.”

 

A stubborn glint enters Jaellien’s eyes as he presses his lips together before he asks the next question: “What if she did not exist? Would it be possible then?”

 

The icy shiver that runs down Tos’un’s back at that question lets him answer more harshly than he normally would, because that is something he does not even want to imagine.   
  
“She is the very reason I care at all”, he says coldly, for a moment eerily reminiscent of the harsh master he used to be. The small glimpse of the past makes Jaellien realize for the first time just how different Tos’un behaves in the new surroundings he calls home now. “Without her I would not be speaking to you now, so I am warning you and I will do it this one time only: Do not go there!”

 

“You said you meant it!”

 

It is almost a wail, but not quite. There is still some composure left in the blonde, even though he is clutching at the corner of his table as if he would not be able to stand otherwise. Tos’un draws up his shoulders without really meaning to, but forces himself to relax again. The well known feeling of being trapped is uncomfortably at odds with the compassion and want he also feels, but has never allowed himself to acknowledge until now, except for when it was forced upon him by Jaellien. Somehow then he could convince himself that he was not entirely responsible for his own feelings. It was just another way he has been lying to himself he supposes bitterly.

 

“Yes”, he says, now moving towards the other, slowly so as not to startle him. “I did and I do, but I want you to be aware that I will be paying a very high price for it.”

 

When he is close enough Jaellien transfers his death grip from the table to Tos’un’s arms and pulls him even closer.

 

“I’m too far in to stop now”, the blonde whispers loosening his fingers a little, but at the same time moulding his body to the drow’s as if he wants them to melt into each other. “Please don’t hurt me.”

 

The last is breathed into Tos’un’s shoulder and neck so softly that despite his very acute senses he is not quite sure if he really heard it. He swallows his sigh, because he is aware that there is enough reason in their past for Jaellien to be afraid. Somehow it also soothes his own fear of hurt though. If the other is so afraid surely he is not planning to attack Tos’un, now that he has finally found the courage to lay himself open. It reassures him enough to lift one hand and stroke carefully along the mages back as if he was trying to soothe a skittish animal.

  
This time when Jaellien actually seems to melt against him with a small, helpless sound, Tos’un cannot deny the first stirrings of tenderness inside his chest, for he can recognize the tentative, desperate trust in the gesture, which has never been quite there before. It is a new, unexpected facet to the simple, primal want he already knows and it surprises him. So it begins, he thinks, as the tenderness swiftly mixes with the beginnings of sharp edged guilt.


	4. Chapter 4

It was supposed to be straightforward and easy, Tos’un thinks bitterly as he is sitting in his kitchen, unsuccessfully trying to mentally separate the last two days from the present. He was supposed to have left his past behind where it belonged, to start a new life here. Two separate pieces with a clean cut in between. Simple. Only what he has now is nothing like that. It is all a huge jumbled mess of clashing needs and contrary emotions he can no longer discern clearly and he is starting to feel as if he is drowning.

 

How am I going to face Sinnafein, he wonders as he buries his face in two slender, dark skinned hands. He had hoped that with this change concerning Jaellien things would become more bearable. And apparently they have when it comes to the elf. But instead now he finds himself facing a new problem. In letting go of his carefully maintained distance he has also made himself unable to block out what happens between them, as if it was nothing but a dream, some half real part of his life, which he used to be able to ignore when not faced with it directly.

 

As he is finding out, this state of enforced ignorance is quite beyond him at the moment. Maybe it is because he feels deep inside that it would be too dismissive to lock away the memory of that dark, green look, so full of need and fear but also slowly growing trust. Not really that much yet, but still there. It is something Tos’un can only barely grasp at all, because he has no idea how it is even possible for something like that to be there. Long years ago he might have taunted Jaellien cruelly for such an open show of dependency. But what would have merely amused him in the past, is unaccountably different in the present. Somehow to see it now is precious in a way he never even could have imagined back then.

 

As much as Tos’un hates himself for feeling it, he cannot ignore his wonder about the fact that the blonde is capable of feeling any trust towards him at all. For now he is still convinced that he deserves it even less than the love Sinnafein gifts him with. Why would Jaellien, who knows him at his worst, even consider showing him any kind of vulnerability? And yet it seems that is exactly what is happening.

 

The worst thing though is that now, after he has taken a more active role in their interactions for the first time, it is as if he has opened a door inside of his own mind and all the things he had meticulously pushed away are coming back to haunt him. All the possibilities, the memories, everything he has denied himself to even imagine so far.

 

Tos’un finds himself thinking about how it would feel to grab Jaellien’s wrists and pin them down over his head, to have the other breathless, pleading and squirming beneath him like he used to when they were still Master and slave. What would the mage do now if he took a strip of cloth, blinded him and left him tied and helpless? Would he try to struggle? The drow shivers slightly at the image only to groan in dismay a moment later. He rubs his face with both hands and drags his fingers through white hair, as if he could erase his own thoughts.

 

Unable to sit still any longer Tos’un jumps up, driven by the need to get away from the images inside his own head. It is of course an impossible task. His urges only send him pacing restlessly through the kitchen until that too is not enough any more and he leaves his home altogether, taking his blades to the woods to train, in the hope that he will be able to distract himself from thinking anything at all.

 

Not even that helps though, as he has to discover almost an hour later, breathing hard and covered in sweat from his futile exertions. With a heartfelt curse Tos’un throws his blades harshly down onto the soft, churned ground.

 

“You know you should not treat a trusted weapon like that”, a soft, musical voice admonishes him from his right and the drow whirls around to discover Hralien standing between two trees which mark the entrance to the small clearing he has chosen for his training today.

 

“Don’t tell me what I should do”, Tos’un snaps back, suddenly unable to contain his anger, although it is mostly aimed at his own inability to find any kind of peace within his mind. Normally he would not be so aggressive, but normally he does not feel quite so helpless and disgusted with himself. Hralien merely raises a thin black eyebrow and tilts his head to one side regarding Tos’un curiously for a few seconds.

 

“I correct myself”, he finally says evenly. “You probably should not touch a weapon at all if you are feeling as unbalanced as you appear right now.”

 

Fingers of ice scratch down Tos’un’s back at these words. If Hralien can see it after a mere glance, there is no way he will be able to hide this from Sinnafein. His first instinct is to turn around and flee, but the drow is aware that Hralien will not just let him walk away without some kind of explanation. So he does the next best thing and abruptly turns his back on the black haired elf, trying to compose himself as much as he will be able to. It is a very telling gesture in itself, but he simply cannot bring himself to face the other elf right now.

 

“I have never seen you so upset without cause”, Hralien says, slowly coming closer. “But until now I thought that you would know to talk to someone, even if Sinnafein is away right now, the rest of us are still here.”

 

“Sinnafein is the last person I want to talk to about this!”

 

The words are out of Tos’un’s mouth before he can think better of it. When has he become so careless? Is it because he usually trusts Hralien? Probably. But can he trust the other with this? It seems he will soon find out, because Hralien’s gaze has taken on a probing quality. He is walking around Tos’un until he can look the drow into the eyes again. It was not nearly enough time for Tos’un to push away his feelings, like he wanted to. He looks down, still trying futilely to hide his inner turmoil.

 

“Come with me”, Hralien commands more than asks. He has found out years ago that sometimes Tos’un reacts better to clear commands than to kindness, almost as if he cannot bear or trust a show of sympathy at certain times. It works today too. The drow gathers up his two swords from the ground and follows Hralien silently as the pale elf walks back to his home, where he makes Tos’un sit down and puts a cup of hot tea into his hands like he usually does on occasions like this one.

 

It is not the first time he has come here with something weighing on his thoughts, Tos’un knows, but he has never feared the consequences of speaking his mind as much as he does now.

 

There is no way to evade Hralien though. Not now when he has already let the other see that something is so clearly wrong. He could lie of course, but somehow that would make it even worse, because then he would not only have betrayed Sinnafein, but also Hralien who is the one who made it possible for him to be here at all, who has always supported him, despite all the risks and suspicions which come with his drow heritage.

 

Tos’un is aware of all that, but it still takes him a long time before he can bring himself to begin.

 

“Do you remember the group of mages and engineers from Silverymoon that came to help you with your embankment dam?”

 

Hralien regards him curiously, obviously surprised at such a seemingly random question about something which happened so long ago.

 

“Yes, but that was years ago...”

 

Tos’un gives a strained nod, still wishing he was somewhere else.

 

“One of the mages, a young elf, he left early in the second morning, before anybody else.”

 

This time it takes a few seconds before Hralien can remember and even then he comes up with little more than a blond braid and unclear pictures of a slender body draped in the usual wizardly robes.

 

“I do not remember him very well”, he admits, unsure if this is what Tos’un needs to hear. Especially when a pained grimace suddenly twists the drow’s face.

 

“Well I did”, Tos’un says bluntly, staring determinedly at nothing. “He used to be our slave, back when I was still with Kaer'lic and the others.”

 

They both remain silent for long moments, while Hralien considers what he has just been told and Tos’un stares at his lap in stubborn, tense expectation of the others judgement.

 

“Has he hurt you?” the pale elf finally asks, unsettled when Tos’un gives a short, harsh laugh at that.

 

“He did nothing I did not deserve”, the drow says grimly, not reassuring the frowning Hralien in any way.

 

“But he did something.”

 

“He... not at the time no. Now he wants something that is within my power to give, but...” Tos’un shivers, pressing his lips closed before he finally makes himself continue. “And he does deserve it... I think or he should, but...”, the drow groans now angry again, at himself. “I’m not being very clear”, he says bleakly.

 

“What he wants from you would hurt Sinnafein”, Hralien says, fairly certain that this must be the case from the bits and pieces he has been given until now.

 

“I’m quite sure it would, yes.” Tos’un seems to slump where he sits, defeated and lost. “I don’t know what to do”, he admits.

 

“You harmed him when he was in your power”, Hralien states more than asks, carefully keeping his voice neutral, devoid of any judgement one way or another, despite his personal distaste at the images the thought evokes in his head. He is still aware of the fundamental changes Tos’un went through after he brought him here, even though he thinks that most of his clan have managed to conveniently forget about that by now. But then he has been the one to whom Tos’un came most often, when he felt he could not ask Sinnafein about certain things.

 

“Yes.” This one word, spoken so softly as to be almost unheard, only confirms Hraliens quiet certainty. “If I am to obey the rules you taught me, then I owe him more than I can ever hope to repay.”

 

“But you also owe Sinnafein your loyalty.”

 

“Yes”, Tos’un agrees, his despair almost palpable. “I am trying to do the right thing. I want to, but I don’t know any more what is right in this.”

 

“If you were anybody else, then I would have no choice but to banish you”, Hralien mutters, speaking mostly to himself, only realizing the effect of his words when he sees Tos’un’s face turn ashen. “I’m not going to”, he says quickly, but with little success in calming the frightened drow. “It would be the height of hypocrisy if I did that. I knew where you came from when I took you in, that you had an ugly past and I was aware of the risks.” Hralien sighs. “I only wish you had talked to me before things got so out of hand. Five years is a long time for something like that.”

 

“Sinnafein knows about our shared past”, Tos’un chokes out reluctantly, but somehow unable to stop himself, now that he has finally started to reveal his secrets. “She has known since just after that first time we met again. It was her idea that I go and try to talk to him shortly after. That did not go well though.”

 

“What happened?”

 

Tos’un has to give his friend credit for the admirable show of neutrality he is currently putting on, because he is well aware of just how much Hralien usually despises the things he must know Tos’un has done to Jaellien.

 

“As I said, I let her convince me to go to Silverymoon and talk to Jaellien. After she left us we only ended up shouting at each other though until I was stupid and reckless enough to let him chain up and whip me.”

 

Hralien carefully notes the haunted look in the drow’s eyes as he tells him that, but does not comment yet.

 

“I would probably be dead now if there had not been this strange friend of his, who stopped him eventually.”

 

“But you still feel you owe him something?”

 

Tos’un looks up suddenly, almost startled by the surprise in Hralien’s voice.

 

“After all the times we humiliated and tortured him for fun during the seven years he spent with us, yes. I do.”

 

The drow appears so certain of this that Hralien shivers inwardly when he thinks on what that boy must have gone through, but still he does his best not to let it show.

 

“And yet he said he only wants me to acknowledge him, to care”, Tos’un says sounding faintly disbelieving, as if he cannot quite understand it.

 

“Or he just wants to destroy the one thing that has the most value to you”, Hralien grits out more harshly than he intended. For a moment he is amazed at how protective he suddenly feels. After a short look of pure surprise Tos’un astonishes him by laughing. It is not really a happy laugh though, more an even mix of painful humour and cynical mocking.

 

“You know, there was a time when that would have been the very first thought in my head”, the drow says finally. “I don’t think that is the case though. It would have been very easy for him to achieve that years ago, before I even knew that he still lived, but he has never made any move in that direction.”

 

“Still”, Hralien says, “he must have been quite angry. Enough to attack you like that.”

 

“True, but he has had ample time during the last five years to be angry at me and I am quite certain that he still is, but I really think by now what he claims to want is actually the truth underneath all that anger.”

 

Especially when he has also been unable to keep his hands off me during all that time, Tos’un thinks rather cynically, but does not say it out loud, because he is painfully aware that this sentiment goes both ways. Unfortunately Hralien seems to realize as well that there is something missing from Tos’un’s tale.

 

“And what makes you so certain? The way you say it I almost suspect you have talked to him again, recently and he only told you then. What brought on this change of mind?”

 

This is the part Tos’un would most dearly love to skip, but just like he owes Jaellien, he owes Hralien too. Honesty is not something which is negotiable between them.

 

“I did”, he says, not quite able to admit the rest yet.

 

“You might want to elaborate on that”, Hralien replies, uncertain what that short cryptic statement should mean to him.

 

“During the last years, whenever Sinnafein was away he would come to me at night.” Tos’un forces himself to look up from his lap at the pale elf in front of him, because this is important. “I let him take what he wanted, because I was afraid that he would tell people about the horrible things I did to him if I refused.”

 

When Hralien draws in a sudden breath and opens his mouth to speak Tos’un stops him with a hard glance and a shake of his head.

 

“I know what you are going to say now, but it was not quite like that. I had always liked to take him to bed before and the interest was... is still there, but I think I would have been able to stop myself for Sinnafein’s sake. He did leave me no choice though and a part of me was almost glad for that, even though I never really admitted it to myself until a few days ago.”

 

“What happened a few days ago?”

 

Tos’un can already sense the storm brewing behind the dark blue eyes of the other and wants nothing more but to cringe away from the force of it, but he needs to finish this first.

 

“We would usually argue and fight every time before he bedded me anyway. It seemed to be a never ending circle and I felt that I just could not bear it any longer. Yes, I let him take whatever he wanted, but I never really gave anything. I did my best to just ignore it all, to put as much distance between us as possible, but that became harder the more time passed and he was always angry, always... nothing I said provoked anything but spiteful replies. So after I had run out of anger myself I finally stopped saying things and did something instead. I gave in, because I could not go on like that. I gave away something which is not really mine to give any longer and now I feel terrible and I don’t know how to face Sinnafein any more.”

  
It is not so very surprising when Hralien’s hand meets his cheek with a loud, painful crack just after the last words have been forced over his lips.


	5. Chapter 5

For a time Tos’un can do nothing but sit there in petrified silence, his gaze glued to his lap in shame, cheek burning hotly until Hralien’s next words make him look up again.

 

“I apologize. I think that was mostly my own hurt feelings.”

 

Tos’un merely blinks in confusion and stares at him, not quite understanding.

 

“I thought you knew better by now, that you trusted me enough to come and talk to me if something like that happened, before things became so tangled that you could not find a way out. Apparently I was wrong.”

 

Hralien wraps his arms around himself in a rare show of raw vulnerability and looks away.

 

“After I trusted you so much I even surrendered myself to you, I must admit that I expected better from you”, he says quietly. “It hurts to see that you still don’t seem to feel that you are safe enough with me.”

 

“It appears that is all I do lately”, the drow answers with soft despair, “maybe hurting people is the only thing I am actually good at after all.”

 

He cringes again when all Hralien does is to sniff disdainfully.

 

“Now you’re just wallowing in self pity”, the pale elf admonishes him sternly, slowly fighting his way back to his usual self assured calmness. “You know that is not true. I would never have chosen to befriend you otherwise. I cannot deny that this is a very complicated situation though.”

 

“Yes”, Tos’un agrees, even though he sounds a little ashamed still. “I’m sorry”, he adds, because he knows Hralien is right. He should have come to seek his help earlier. A lot earlier. “You have the truth of it, as always. I guess I was so focused on forcing it out of my mind, on ignoring everything that I never even thought about coming to you. I was trying so hard to pretend that it had not happened, because I did not want my past to influence my life here, but in hindsight I can see how that only made things worse in the long run.”

 

Hralien merely sighs. There is nothing to be done about it now. He wonders fleetingly if that is how Tos’un survived his childhood. By doing his best to ignore everything he could not avert. After he has seen the scars which the drow bears on his back, Hralien can only assume that there was quite a lot to ignore. This old tactic is not doing the drow any good in the present situation though. Hralien remembers his very early expectations concerning his decision to take in a drow elf to live in their midst. He had anticipated something like this to happen much earlier. He will just have to help Tos’un work through it somehow, he decides, because he is a lot more sure now than he was all those years ago that it will be worth it.

 

“From what I have understood so far, it sounded as if he wants you to be a... more permanent part of his life. Do I have that right?”

 

Tos’un nods silently.

 

“And you think he deserves at least a part of that... of you.”

 

This time it is harder for the drow to nod, but he is convinced of the truth of that statement, for what Jaellien said is right: The other did give almost everything to him once. And not by his own choice. So he should be granted some kind of compensation, should he not? Somehow it does feel right to give something back, but he does not quite trust his own feelings in this, tangled as they are.

 

“Where is the line?” Hralien asks, startling Tos’un out of his thoughts again. “What is the point where you would not be prepared to go any further to satisfy his demands?”

 

He does not have to think long on that.

 

“Sinnafein. My family, the clan”, he says. “Without them and all the things Sinnafein and you taught me, I would probably not even care about what he wants. I told him that too.”

 

“Does he understand what that means?”

 

“I think so.” Tos’un pauses. “He also knows me well enough to be aware that I would kill him if he ever did anything to harm them.”

 

Hearing these words said so matter of factly suddenly reminds Hralien again that it is still a drow who is sitting in front of him. No matter how much he has changed, the experiences of his past will always stay with Tos’un for as long as he lives. In this case the pale elf can relate to the sentiment though. He isn’t even so very much opposed.

 

“Do you think it possible that he would?”

 

Tos’un shrugs, but then shakes his head.

 

“Most probably not. He likes both of them, so I do not think that he would harm them just to spite me. Maybe that is also the reason he never came here openly”, the drow continues. “To confront me in public would have had consequences for the relationship between him and Sinnafein as well. Maybe he wanted to avoid that.”

 

“You have never asked him about it?”

 

“We are only barely past the stage where we would start shouting at each other after two sentences”, Tos’un reminds the other drily. “I’m still not quite sure that he would even answer me should I ask him anything like that.”  

 

He shakes his head with a faintly disbelieving expression.

 

“All we have done for the last five years was to hurt each other. And before... well, you can imagine what happened before”, Tos’un stops, looking uncomfortable. “It is not easy to find a way past that. In fact it is one of the most difficult, frightening things I have ever tried to do.”

 

“Do you think it will be worth it?”

 

The answer to Hralien’s question consists only of a helpless shrug at first.

 

“Do you?” Tos’un finally asks, clearly out of his depth.

 

“I don’t know him”, Hralien reminds the drow. “It could be that you have damaged him to such a degree that real healing is not possible any more. Or it could not. Right now I make a poor judge, because I know only your side of the story. I do think you have the duty to try”, he adds, “but you also need to remember your own limits and look out for your own safety.”

 

“And by that you mean not do it like I have done so far?” Tos’un asks dryly, because he can read between the lines. Hralien shrugs unrepentantly.

 

“I will help you like I always have. Even though you will have to do most of the actual work yourself. You said you let him whip you. That he took you up on the offer and almost went too far tells me very clearly that he has a strong wish to hurt you. Whether that is justified or not, it means that you need to make sure that things do not get out of hand. A threat to your life is a serious matter.”

 

“Well”, the drow says looking surprisingly thoughtful and calm now. “I did provoke him to the best of my abilities, even though I did not see it like that at the time, angry as I was. Up until now I have never even truly told him that I am sorry.”

 

“But you are.”

 

There is a tiny bit of uncertainty in those words which Tos’un only notices because he knows Hralien so well by now. It tells him, that the other knows him very well too.

 

“After the last few days: Yes, mostly. But that was not what I felt five years ago. Back then I was far more worried about what I had to lose, what Sinnafein would say when she found out. Thinking about that made me feel helpless and angry. Understandably Jaellien was angry too. It was not a good combination.” Tos’un sighs. “I had resolved right at the beginning that I should at least try to... I don’t know... compensate him, do something that would alleviate all the hurt I had caused him. I must admit though, that I mostly did it out of an oddly theoretical concept of duty, because it was what I knew you would expect me to do. If I had had the opportunity to simply push it away and forget about it, I would gladly have done so, because I did not want to deal with those things too closely, to give Sinnafein the opportunity to find out about me firsthand, from someone who could accuse me directly of the things I had done.”

 

Hralien cocks his head at that.

 

“And what did Sinnafein say?” he wants to know curiously.

 

“That she accepted it.” Tos’un shifts nervously. “But I’m still not quite sure if she really knows what that means. I have never...”, he pauses grimacing. “She has never actually witnessed that side of me herself. So I think it is still mostly an intellectual kind of acceptance. She knows in theory what I have done before I came here, but does not know me the way Jaellien does.”  

 

“So in the end that means you also don’t know how she will react when she finds out that you have been sleeping with him regularly during the last five years.”

 

Before Tos’un can say anything more a crashing noise from the door interrupts them. The drow’s eyes grow wide with surprise as he sees his wife standing there in the doorframe, her fingers still resting on the doorhandle, pale as a ghost, her travelling bundle lying at her feet where it has evidently just slipped from her hands.

 

“Sinnafein!” Tos’un gasps, breathless with sudden panic as he scrambles to his feet.

 

“You slept with him? All this time?” she repeats softly, sounding stunned by the fact, as if she cannot quite comprehend it yet. “And you never said a word to me?”

 

Her eyes are quickly taking on a very telling shine, even as Tos’un is desperately searching for words to stop the hurt and disappointment spreading over her face.

 

“No! Wait!” he pleads as he can see her lips tremble with barely suppressed tears. “It was not like you think!”

 

It does not look like she hears him though, because Sinnafein continues: “You promised!” And now the tears are even in her voice coating her next words. “You promised me you would not lie to me! And you never... In all those years...”, she breaks off, overcome by her swelling emotions.

 

“Don’t touch me!” she snaps as Tos’un has almost reached her. And this time, when he flinches away she is not sorry.

 

“Sinnafein, please let me explain!”

 

“I don’t see that there is anything to explain”, Sinnafein says, her voice already breaking. “The facts are quite clear. If you dismiss your promises so easily for him, then maybe Jaellien is more important to you than me and your daughter. I do not hear you denying it and I certainly don’t want to hear any placating lies from you, so please grant me at least that much respect and leave me alone for now. I don’t think I will want to see you any time soon.”

 

With that she grabs her bundle from the ground, tears already spilling over her pale cheeks as she reaches down and then she flees, shutting the door in Tos’un’s face. Hralien stops him as he reaches for the handle.

 

“I don’t think that is a good idea right now”, the pale elf says quietly. “Give her at least a few hours to calm down a little bit. Maybe she will just need some time to think on things, before she gives you a chance to explain yourself. If you go after her now she will only scream at you, because she is so upset.”

 

Tos’un only stares at him for a moment, his hand still poised to push down and open the door, but then he relents, wrapping both arms tightly around himself instead. They are both well aware of Sinnafein's temper, which can be rather explosive at times. It happens only rarely, but on a few occasions during the years she had become angry enough to scream at Tos’un in earnest.

 

“That was just about the worst thing that could have happened”, the drow says sounding dazed, as if he cannot quite believe the last few moments were real. Unlike Sinnafein his face loses expression the more he realizes what this means, closing off until there is nothing left but an expressionless mask. Only the tightly clenched fists at his sides betray his inner turmoil. If Hralien did not know him, he would not be able to see past the smooth wall Tos'un has pulled up so quickly. This is not the first time he has seen that happen, although it has never been to such a degree before. To see it makes him deeply uncomfortable him every single time. Still, he remembers more unguarded moments and knows what lies behind the flawlessly unmoved facade.

 

“Tos’un, don’t do this”, Hralien pleads, grasping the first body part he can reach, which happens to be Tos’un’s shoulder. “Don’t shut me out now. I have no intentions of hurting you. You have to trust me that much.”

 

At first it seems like the drow is not going to react at all, but then Tos’un lets out a deep breath, his stiff, strained posture slumping just a little.

  
“Don’t let go”, he says softly, still tightly controlled. “If you do I will probably find my way to Silverymoon and kill him after all.”


	6. Visitor

After he has spent the night curled up like a beaten dog between the cushions Hralien usually keeps for guests who come for tea and a few words, Tos’un opens his eyes to a bleak day of waiting. At first he waits a few hours for Sinnafein to show up after all, but his hope dwindles quickly. If she had decided to come to him then she would have done it early in the morning, of that much he is sure. His wife is not one to wait long once she has made up her mind.

Why did he never tell her? Tos’un asks himself that question over and over. Does it mean that deep inside he does not trust Sinnafein? The thought makes him feel all hot and cold at the same time. It is almost like he cannot trust even himself any longer. The uncertainty grips his mind and paralyzes him until he is afraid to think about anything at all. 

When Hralien puts some bread and a few cut up pieces of fruit in front of him he forces himself to eat at least half of it, even though it makes his stomach turn in protest, as if there is no space for food in his body right now, because it is all taken up by his worries and fears. 

Does he even deserve what he is so fervently hoping for? All he wants is for his wife to stop hurting, to make up for his failure. But if he is the one who caused the hurt, does he still have the right to ask her forgiveness? The guilt and uncertainty is crippling and very soon Tos’un wants nothing more than to shut everything out. He has no idea how to fix this. All he knows is that he hates that empty, aching pain in his chest, which does not let him rest, but also paralyzes him at the same time. 

In the end it is almost evening before he can dredge up the courage to walk to his home and knock on the door. 

“Go away!” Sinnafein shouts from the inside. She still sounds terribly angry and hurt. “If I ever want to talk to you again, I will let you know!” 

“Sinnafein please”, he begs quietly, one hand resting on the wooden door, but not brave enough to push it open against her wishes. “Just let me explain. I will leave afterwards if you want me to.” 

“No. I want you to leave now!” 

“Sinnafein, please!”

But no further sound can be heard through the wood in front of Tos’un. 

What he wants to do most is to just let himself slide down and curl up in front of his door crying, but Tos’un forces himself to take a deep breath and merely say: “I will come back tomorrow”, before he turns away to drag himself back to Hraliens home. Once there he only shakes his head at the other’s questioning gaze and proceeds to pace like a caged animal. 

“What can I do to make her listen?” he finally wants to know desperately. “If she won’t even let me talk to her, how do I explain? I don’t know how to do this.” 

Hralien sighs. 

“Give her more time.”

“It hurts a lot more than I could ever have expected it to”, Tos’un admits weakly. “I don’t think I’m very well prepared for this experience.” 

Another sigh. 

“No one ever is”, Hralien tells him. “It is the price we all pay and even though it may feel terrible now, personally I have always considered it worth it in the end. I expect you will as well, even if you may not think it possible at the moment. Do not give up yet.” 

Tos’un’s answer is only a glare. 

“Bowing under a Matron’s whip was easier than this!” He laments darkly. “At least that kind of pain always fades after a while. But this feels like it is never going to leave me, as if I am being split apart on the inside, with no way to put the pieces back together!” Tos’un puts up his hands in front of his face, as if he cannot bear to really say the next words, and speaks through his fingers. “And knowing that Sinnafein is probably feeling like this as well, and only because of me... it is simply unbearable. It seems so unfair.” 

“It is not a matter of fairness”, Hralien reminds him gently. “The heart does not necessarily bow to logical arguments.” 

“It should”, Tos’un growls at him somewhat childishly, but unable to give voice to his frustrations in another way. Hralien merely puts a comforting hand on his shoulder, which does not make things better, but calms him at least marginally. At least he is not completely alone. 

This night he spends a long time staring into the dark room before he manages to sleep a bit. He wakes to the sound of voices early in the next morning. They are too quiet and too far away for him to understand the words, but Tos’un is sure that they sound strained. 

He is not quite sure if he actually wants to get up and find out what this is about, but a vague sense of urgency compels him to shake off his lethargy for long enough to roll off Hralien’s cushions, put on his shirt and drag himself towards the door. 

“... given me a good enough reason yet!” 

That sounds like Hralien. An unusually agitated Hralien. Tos’un hesitates. 

“I already told you! I merely want to talk to him.” 

The drow almost gasps as he hears the clipped words, full of forced politeness. There is no way he would ever mistake the owner of that voice. His blood runs cold. What possessed Jaellien to come here? 

“And I do not trust you not to make things worse”, Hralien is saying now. It sounds as if it is not the first time. 

“What would you know about that?” 

Clearly the mage is already losing his patience. Apparently that never takes very long, even when he is not dealing with Tos’un directly. If he was not already torn between anger and despair Tos’un would have rolled his eyes in exasperation. For now he still hesitates to make himself known though, trying desperately to get his roiling feelings under control first. 

“I know enough not to want you in my house right now”, Hralien is saying with a frosty coldness Tos’un has never before heard from him. Is it wrong that hearing this kind of tone used in his defence makes his hurting heart warm up just a little bit? 

“Oh, is that so?” Jaellien matches the coldness effortlessly. “Well, whatever you think I have done to him that offends your delicate sensibilities so much, I can assure you I have received tenfold.” 

“So you admit that you took him unwilling?” 

Jaellien’s first answer to that is a worthless hiss. 

“He said that?” 

“No, I most certainly did not!” Tos’un answers even as he is ripping the door open so violently, that he is almost surprised he does not break it. 

“That does not make it any less true”, Hralien insists despite his obvious surprise as he turns around to the drow who has so suddenly appeared behind him. 

Jaellien is equally startled, but concentrates on Tos’un quickly, dismissing Hralien’s presence as if it was inconsequential now. His eyes are probing, searching for something in Tos’un’s face, but he has no idea what it might be. 

“Why are you here?” 

The question is just as tense as Tos’un’s whole body, but it does not seem to deter Jaellien from his intensive scrutiny. 

“Something happened”, he says after a few moments, as if he had not been sure before, but has now found some kind of confirmation in the clenched muscles of Tos’un’s jaw. “If you are going to say now that it does not concern me“, he hadds almost viciously when he sees the red eyes go blank, “I will disagree most violently!” 

“Light take you!” Tos’un hisses back in a sudden fit of explosive anger. “Of course it concerns you. If you had come any earlier than last night I would have killed you.” 

“This is about Sinnafein then”, Jaellien only says very matter of factly as if he is not facing an angry drow, who looks as if he is about to gut him any moment. “I will go talk to her.” 

With that he turns to walk away. 

“What?!” 

Tos’un’s attempt at following the mage is abruptly interrupted by Hralien’s arms and an unyielding grip. 

“Let go!” the drow hisses, struggling against the restraining arms, but too distracted for the moment to really break free. 

“Tos’un wait”, Hralien pleads still not letting go. “You said you were sure he would not hurt them. Why are you struggling this hard?” 

“No, I do think that he will!”, the drow growls angrily. “But I also think that he is not above lying to get what he wants, so now for the love of all that is holy, let me go! Please!” 

This time Hralien relents. He does not like the way Tos’un grimly focuses of the retreating back of the mage. 

When they finally catch up with him Jaellien has already reached the small hut where Sinnafein lives with her family and is knocking on the door. He does not turn, but he must have heard enough to know that he is not alone. 

“What are you doing?” Tos’un hisses, stepping up into his personal space from behind, but not touching. “Stop this!” 

“Why should I?” the blond elf wants to know, still staring at the door intently. “Sinnafein!” he shouts then, making the drow twitch nervously. “Sinnafein, stop being childish and open the door!” 

“Go away!” Sinnafein still sounds just as hurt as she did when Tos’un first came here yesterday. It almost makes him weep. “I do not care what new lies he has told you to feed me. I just want you to go! Leave!” 

“Don’t be stupid”, Jaellien answers sharply. “Tos’un could not make me do anything I don’t want to. Not now. Not when I could destroy his life so easily.” 

The blond elf looks around at the strangled sound Tos’un makes when he hears this. He has always known of course, but to actually listen to the words spoken by someone else makes it even more real somehow. Out of the corner of his eye he can see Hralien frown at the claim. 

“What?”, Jaellien says with an air of impatience, speaking to Tos’un now. “You must know it as well as I do, or you would have tried to put an end to this long ago.” 

“You sound bitter about it though”, the drow notes, not quite surprised. “Do you not like the power it gives you after all?” 

The question should have been scathing and it mostly is, but it also comes with a faint note of breathless excitement and challenge that causes Jaellien’s eyes to widen slightly and Tos’un to curse himself. 

“Are you saying you actually want to discuss this here and now?” the mage asks quietly. He seems almost amused when Tos’un only shakes his head emphatically. 

All three of them are startled when the door in front of them suddenly opens. 

“Do you really have so little respect for me, that you are going to discuss your sordid little affair in front of my door, while I can listen to every single damn word?!” Sinnafein is shaking her hand clutching tightly at the worn wood beneath her fingers and anger is written clearly across her expressive face. 

“I will go a step further still”, Jaellien answers before any of the others can find their voice. “I will come inside and discuss it directly with you.” 

With that he simply pushes past her, taking advantage of the sheer surprise, which freezes her a moment too long.


	7. Past, present, future

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not quite sure if I want to leave the ending as it is, but for now this is it. The story is almost finished at this point, but there will probably be an epilogue.

“Well, are you coming?” 

 

Not quite knowing what else to do the couple follows Jaellien inside, where they find him sitting at the table, arms crossed in front of his chest. Hralien takes to hoovering near the door, not sure if he should stay or leave. The strange moment he has just witnessed between the Jaellien and the drow has left him unsettled enough, combined with Tos’un’s earlier outburst, that he cannot quite bring himself to turn around and walk away. 

 

“We probably should have done this years ago”, the blond mage says, “but since I expect that it is going to be very painful, I could never find the will to actually initiate any kind of discussion between the three of us.” He gives them an expectant look. “We are going to sit down and talk now though.” 

 

Surprisingly, despite her earlier demands that they leave, Sinnafein is the first to take a seat of her own. 

 

“Talk then”, she demands with narrow eyes and thin lips, obviously leaving it to them to decide who should start. 

 

“What do you know of what happened after you left us alone in Silverymoon?” 

 

“That long?” Sinnafein only breathes instead of answering, causing Jaellien to frown with barely restrained irritation. 

 

“Very well”, he says with forced calm. “I will just give you a summary then.” 

 

Tos’un does not seem to have any objections, but sits rigidly only watching the blond mage like one would watch an avalanche. 

 

“After you left we spent some time shouting at each other until, rather predictably, we started an actual physical fight, which lead to me chaining Tos’un up to whip him until I almost killed him. I probably would have, if Laylien had not stopped me. Fortunately he is rather more level headed than I am.” Jaellien waits for a moment, but the stunned, uneasy silence around him seems enough prompt to go on. “We fed him a strong healing potion and after Laylien left us alone I proceeded to bed Tos’un even though he asked me not to do it for your sake.” He shrugs almost defiantly. “I told him he had no choice and he did not resist otherwise and if you’re going to tell me now that, like your Hralien you are of the opinion that I have raped him, I will only say that I feel entitled after he has done the very same thing to me more times than I can remember.” 

 

“Is that true?” Sinnafein looks very pale when she asks Tos’un for confirmation. 

 

“I told you I did terrible things to him”, he answers stonily.  

 

“That was not what I just asked.” 

 

“Yes. It is.” 

 

“And neither of you thought that maybe you should tell me these things!?” Sinnafein’s voice is rising, already shaking with anger again. 

 

“No”, Jaellien says simply. “If I had told you, you would have stepped in. I did not want that.” 

 

“Damn right I would have!” She turns to Tos’un instead. “What was your stupid reason then?” 

 

“I was quite simply frightened he would speak about the past with others and I felt guilty towards you, so I ignored it and desperately tried to forget that anything had ever happened”, Tos’un says mostly speaking towards the table in that moment. “The only problem with that was, that Jaellien kept… reminding me.” He takes a deep breath before he continues: “If it weren’t for the promises I made to you, I probably would would not have protested or minded much at all.” 

 

“You would not have minded that he coerced you into having sex with him? How could you not mind that?” 

 

Tos’un surprises them both by smiling with subdued but honest amusement. 

 

“It will take more than a bit of sex to break me Sinnafein. I am well used to making bargains like that. It was what got me through the Academy relatively unscathed and after that, well let’s just say I was pretty enough to rely on it quite regularly. It is a fairly common practise in Menzoberranzan. That part was not a problem.” He shrugs uncomfortably. “In the past I would either have killed him or struck a bargain and that would have been the end of it. Only now I was unable to do either of that. I felt trapped by all these demands my new life here put on me in that context and did not know what to do to resolve the situation. What I owed Jaellien stood in direct conflict to what I owed to you and that left me with no way forward. I admit that ignoring everything as best as I could was probably not the most ideal course of action, but at the time I could not see another option, so that’s what I did, even though it felt terrible.” 

 

He looks as if he desperately wants to touch Sinnafein, take hold of her hand to reassure her, but he does not quite dare to do that yet. “I’m very sorry my actions have hurt you so. We really should have talked about this earlier. I should have come to you, but I just could not, because that would have meant to acknowledge everything that happened. I did not feel capable of doing that, as long as I had no solution to the whole mess. I’m sorry.” 

 

“This does not absolve you! I hope you are aware of that.” Although Sinnafein is clearly speaking to Jaellien it is Tos’un who cringes at her harsh tone. And she is not finished yet either. “So why did you decide to keep it up during the next  five years?”  

 

Jaellien looks at her in surprise, but averts his gaze quickly, a mix of emotions playing over his face too fast to discern them all. 

 

“Can you not guess?” he asks softly. 

 

“No.” 

 

She rather thinks she can, but she does not want to deal with this based on assumptions which could or could not be entirely correct. 

 

“Very well then”, the blond mage concedes after a few seconds, drawing himself up until he is looking almost vicious, shoulders squared, eyes dark, which fills Tos’un with an ominous feeling of uncertainty. “I wanted something from Tos’un he was not prepared to give, because it already belonged to you. So for five years I kept hurting both of us, trying to get it in spite of that. I simply could not let it go, I was incapable of it, obsessed.” He stops and shakes his head then. “Actually no, I still am. Although my intentions have changed over time. What I was initially aiming for was to make him understand what I had felt, to force him to realize what it is like to have your whole being hinge on the whim of one person. One very capricious person who could be nice and pet you gently one moment only to turn around and hurt you terribly the next, without any apparent reason, no matter how much you tried to be good.” At this Tos’un looks away, because now that he has experienced how it feels to agonize about someone you love, how much it tears at you to be rejected, he suddenly does feel guilty. More than ever before. “I wanted him to know how much it hurts, how it destroys you to be treated in such a way, to finally feel it for himself.” Jaellien sighs wistfully. “I should have known that when he finally relented a bit I would not be able to do it.” 

 

Tos’un, who has always known that Jaellien is not above being manipulative if he thinks he needs to be, is not really surprised by this last admission. It may be true, but if he did not think that he could gain something by revealing it, then the mage would never have told anyone about his feelings. Jaellien is normally much too private for that, but he is also pragmatic. Tos’un knows he should say something now, say that he regrets, that he is sorry, but the words stick in his throat and then the moment has passed. He can feel the mage staring at him though and hopes that maybe the other is able to read it in his face, that it will be enough. 

 

“Now that I have actually had a small taste of what it can be like”, Jaellien continues when Sinnafein only keeps watching him silently, “I do not want to give it up. I am prepared to do anything, to beg, make amends if you want, whatever it takes. Just let me have at least a small part of him.” 

 

The intensity on his face and the need shining in his eyes disturb Hralien deeply. To him it has something unhealthy and desperate, but maybe that is not very surprising given how this all started. It does not calm his mind that he can see Tos’un watch the mage like a hawk, most of his attention momentarily diverted. Hralien cannot quite tell what it is that he can read in the red eyes, some kind of hunger maybe, overlaid by guilt and resentment at the current situation. 

 

“And what about me?” Sinnafein finally asks, her voice brittle, eyes shining too bright. “Are you not supposed to be my friend? Did you never consider what this would mean to me?” 

 

“Of course I did”, Jaellien says crossing his arms defensively, jaw clenched. “That’s why I did not want you to find out. Although I can see now how shortsighted my actions were, my purpose was not to hurt you.” 

 

“But you did hurt me. Both of you!” She has found her anger again, although her voice is still uneven. “And now? Do you just expect me to accept everything and move on? I have had to put up with so much stupid questions and even outright accusations for my choice to be with Tos’un. Do you not think that for that I am at least owed some honesty? That is all I ever asked damn you!” In this moment she looks almost as if she wants to hit her husband. “I never expected you to be perfect. I never demanded that of you. I only wanted you to be truthful and to find out that you could not manage to do the one thing I asked, how do you think that makes me feel?” 

 

Tos’uns whole posture slumps dejectedly and his eyes turn down. His head is slightly turned as well to bare his neck. Jaellien remembers seeing him like this before on occasions when he had to placate Kaer’lic in the early times just after he had joined the trio of drow. He had not quite learned then how to behave to please her best and the priestess always had a quick temper. It had taken some time until the three had really accepted Tos’un as one of them. 

 

“I’m sorry”, the drow whispers brokenly. “I should have tried harder.” 

 

“So, you’re not going to fight back at all?” the mage suddenly questions angrily, his feelings bursting out almost before he has time to realize them himself. “Just because she is female? I distinctly remember you arguing with me quite determinedly for years, even though you were clearly in the wrong, but to her you just fold like that? Like a good little boy? I believe I should be insulted.” 

 

Tos’un only blinks at him for a moment, clearly unsure what to do with this unexpected, jarring outburst. 

 

“I…”, he falters, “Well, I… don’t know?” 

 

Sinnafein frowns deeply. “Why are you changing the topic?” 

 

“Oh, am I?”, Jaellien snaps. “I thought this was amongst other things also discussion about what we all think we deserve from each other. I happen to think I deserve to be treated with the same care you do.” He narrows his eyes at the drow. “And if Tos’un is too encumbered by his upbringing to defend himself and argue with you if you deserve it, then I think he should be helped to remember that he is not forced to bow to you in every matter just because you have been gifted with a pair of breasts.” 

 

“And in your opinion, what exactly do you think he should argue with me about?” 

 

Sinnafein clearly does not see what the mage means. Her frown tells them as much. 

 

“I simply do not see why this surprises you so very much! You knew from the start what kind of history lies between us. I told you myself that I used to sleep with him on most nights and I am pretty sure that he told you, he is still attracted to me. At least he has hinted at it a few times. What did you expect to happen when you pushed us together like you did? You cannot tell me the possibility that we might have sex again has never occurred to you. And yet you clearly chose to ignore it, even though you were aware that you were dealing with two damaged and partly unpredictable individuals. How does that make you any better than him? I am not saying we are not to blame, but you also cannot just remove yourself from this completely as if you have played no part in it at all.” 

 

Tos’un just watches wide eyed. He has never really thought about things in this context. But it seems that Jaellien is not finished yet. 

 

“If you have really talked as much as you both like to point out, you must also know that drow generally do not tend to form strictly monogamous relationships when it comes to physical interactions. If there is one it is usually about power. Hells even Donnia and Adnon, who were hardly able to keep apart for more than a few hours occasionally included someone else. It is not unusual behaviour.” 

 

“You think of Tos’un as damaged?” 

 

A flash of anger flits through the mages eyes, but when he answers he sounds calmer than expected. “Who is changing the topic now?” He asks snappily, but continues before Sinnafein can answer. “From your perspective he would have to be, don’t you think? By your standards he has been severely abused by the women of his home town for most of his life. He actually told you so, just a few moments ago.” He grimaces, before he goes on. “Even Kaer’lic simply expected him to obey for the most part if she wanted sex and did not wish to take me. What small leeway she gave he was clearly grateful for. Even I could recognize that at the time, so I can only deduce that he was accustomed to being used a lot more harshly. The scars on his back alone should tell you much about it. I’m sure you have not missed those.” When Sinnafein’s gaze turns reluctantly thoughtful at that he continues almost spitefully: “Have you not noticed him tense sometimes when you move too quickly just on the edge of his vision where he can’t see you very well? I have, because I do it too and I don’t expect it is ever going to go away completely.” 

 

Tos’un does not really like being portrayed as a victim, but since this is the first time he sees something else than hurt and anger in the eyes of his wife he decides wisely to keep his mouth shut about it and merely throws a small sideways glance at Jaellien to indicate that he should shut up now. When the wizard only sneers back at him, he sighs inwardly. At least Jaellien also stops talking. 

 

“So you think I have been measuring the situation against the wrong standards? That I have invited he hurt I feel now?” 

 

The blond mage inclines his head spreading his arms, despite Sinnafein’s accusing glare. 

 

“In a way”, he agrees. “As I said before, it does not mean, that what we… what I did was right, but I do think you are looking at things from a very limited perspective. I am aware that this does not make it hurt less. It is merely to provide you with a better understanding of what lies behind our actions.” 

 

Sinnafein looks away, the last sentence reminds her uncomfortably of what she has overheard between Hralien and her husband two nights ago. Tos’un had sounded so convinced that her professed acceptance of his past would crumble in the face of reality one day.

 

“Well, right now I feel as if I don’t know either of you as well as I thought”, she says. “It seems that you have shown me only the parts of yourself you wished me to see and left me in the dark about the rest.” 

 

It pains her to admit this, but it is probably true. Maybe she really has no complete understanding of either of them. But with her own experiences in life so vastly different from what the two men before her had to go through she can only theorize. How could she ever truly understand them? For a moment the thought makes her feel terribly inadequate. 

 

“Did you never tell me because I did not give you all you needed? Do you not trust me?” Sinnafein finally asks when she cannot bear that feeling any longer.

 

The question sounds plaintive, bordering on accusing, but Tos’un is already shaking his head, before she has even finished her sentence. 

 

“No”, he protests. “I told you, I was content with how things were.” 

 

“But content is not happy!” 

 

For all that Tos’un is squirming in his chair, he clearly does not have a good answer to that. 

 

“It is more than I have ever had before and I am terrified of losing it”, he finally forces out, when it becomes clear that Sinnafein as well as Jaellien are expecting some kind of verbal reaction from him. “You are the first person I can honestly say I have truly loved and cared for”, he scrambles to explain when Sinnafein’s face falls at this. “So what if I had to compromise a little bit. It is a small price to pay and I have always considered it worth it. I would never expect you to do something you do not enjoy just to satisfy a selfish desire on my part. You mean so much more than that to me!” 

 

Sinnafein only stares for a few moments her eyes unreadable. 

 

“Maybe what Jaellien said is not so wrong after all”, she finally says evenly. There is sadness, but also a new resolve in her, although neither of the men knows what this means yet. “It seems you are not the only one who has been remiss in his duties. Ours is supposed to be a partnership of equals, but I clearly have not realized that you sacrificed more than I thought. I should have seen that, but I never really did until it was pointed out to me today and for that I apologize. Maybe it was selfish of me to simply expect you to be satisfied by the same things which fulfill me.” 

 

A small smile spreads on her lips at the dumbfounded stares from both of them, but she quickly turns serious again. 

 

“That does not mean that I will just forgive you. What you did was wrong, I am still hurting and you  will make amends, but it also means that I think we must move forward and should be able to find an arrangement which will achieve balance between all of us.” 

  
At this Hralien decides that the danger of violence has passed and he should leave. So he silently slips away, leaving them to have their discussion in private. 


	8. Resolution

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It has been a long time since I last updated, but I was finally able to find time to bring this story to a resolution. I have no idea if everybody will agree with the way I chose to end this, but it honestly was the only thing I could picture in my mind. Anything else would have felt off to me.

 

“What!?” 

 

Sinnafein shrugs unyielding and waves her hand in a gesture which probably implies something like: What I just said. 

 

“But…”

 

“No”, she interrupts Jaellien calmly. “That is not negotiable. You both will abide by it or we stop this all right here.”  

 

“You are biased! How…”

 

This time it is Tos’un who interrupts Jaellien. 

 

“Let it be Hralien then”, he suggests, but this is not met with any more calm acceptance than Sinnafeins earlier words. 

 

“Hralien hates me!” Jaellien spits at him angrily. 

 

“And not without reason”, Sinnafein interjects. “You committed a disgusting crime, when you should have known better and whatever mitigating circumstances lie in your past are not a fitting argument to allow you to continue now.” She shakes her head. “Hralien does not hate you. He just wants to protect Tos’un. He will manage to be impartial though. Actually he is probably a far better choice than me, because right now I still want to wring your neck over it.” 

 

“And you are just going to let her rule your life like this?” Jaellien tries a different angle, targeting Tos’un now, but this time the drow merely grins at him. 

 

“Don’t try to manipulate me by playing my wife against me”, he says, but still seems oddly amused by the attempt. “I actually think it is a very valid point. There is so much wrong between us, that it would probably be a good idea to try and build a new basis in the present first, before we touch anything to do with what lies behind us. You cannot deny that it has caused us both pain during the last years. Maybe it would have gone better if we had had someone to interfere.” 

 

His words leave Jaellien silent for a long moment, but the mage appears to be thinking about it now at least. 

 

“I’m still not used to you being so constructive, but maybe you are right. It’s not like we’ll get anywhere if I don’t agree.” He sighs. ”Fine then, let Hralien be our referee, if he is willing to do it. He seems to like you at least.” Another sigh, a bit more regretful this time. “But I will miss touching you.” 

 

His fingers glide along the table as he says it, as if caressing and Tos’un cannot help but shiver a tiny little bit as he sees it. Perversely the fact that Sinnafein is watching him makes it even more enticing. 

 

“You will survive”, he says with a deceptive lightness which almost succeeds in hiding how conflicted he is about all of this. 

 

Tos’un’s own feelings are mixed, as much as he thinks he understands where Sinnafein is coming from, when she demands that they do not spend time alone with each other until both of them and apparently also Hralien are sure that they will not repeat the mistakes of the past. His own wants stand in the way of an easy acceptance, now that he has finally given in and acknowledged them. That is also what warns him though, because he is aware that his desires are selfish in large parts and Hralien’s early lesson about trust rests in the front of his mind right now. He is also not entirely sure that he will be able to justify the trust Jaellien is apparently willing to show him. The fact that Sinnafein is willing to do this at all amazes him and makes him only more grateful to be blessed with a companion like her. He would never have made it this far without her loving support. 

 

“Undoubtedly”, Jaellien agrees drily. “But I would like to make it clear, that I do not want for this to be an indefinite thing. I want to have sex with you again at some point and the fact that Sinnafein has not mentioned this makes me feel that she is not really happy about it.” 

 

“I do not see how you could ever expect me to happy about something like that.” 

 

“I don’t”, Jaellien says to her, “but I do expect you to be realistic when dealing with it, or we can just stop this all right now.” 

 

“You say that as if you think you have a right to it”, Sinnafein frowns back at him. 

 

“And what if I do?” 

 

“Then I would like to point out that whatever debatable right you might have had to demand anything of Tos’un, as far as I am concerned you lost it right when you dropped right down to the level of a common rapist five years ago. And I don’t care if he says you didn’t. You cannot defend him one moment and claim that I abuse my gender and then turn around and demand that I should hand him over to you like a piece of meat!” 

 

Jaellien is just about to give an angry answer, when they both notice the amused smile on Tos’uns face. 

 

“What on earth could be so funny about this that it makes you laugh?” Sinnafein questions him sceptically, still looking angry. 

 

“I just thought how happy I am, that you still care enough to fight over my virtue.” He smiles and Sinnafein’s gaze softens despite everything. “That said though”, Tos’un continues, still smiling, “if you are open to sharing at all, maybe you should just let me decide who gets to have sex with me and who doesn’t. As I will do for you.” 

 

“Me?” Sinnafein is clearly thrown off track by the last sentence, but Tos’un merely shrugs. 

 

“As you said, we are supposed to be equals. I would not demand that you limit yourself if I do not.” 

 

“Of course not… what makes you think I want that though?” 

 

“Currently? Nothing. But that does not mean it will always stay that way, does it? Maybe you will want for a bit of variety at some point.” 

 

“That… I… well.” Sinnafein falls silent, not quite knowing how to react. 

 

Tos’un uses her momentary confusion to turn his attention to Jaellien. 

 

“I hope that you know what you are asking for”, he tells him, “for if we ever do have sex again, then I will not just lie back and let you take what you want.” 

 

Jaellien’s smile is an open invitation. 

 

“I most certainly hope so.” 

 

“And it will only happen if Sinnafein agrees”, Tos’un adds, making the smile turn into a more sarcastic curl of the lips. It is clear that Jaellien expects objections as he turns to Sinnafein with a questioning gaze. 

 

“I promise I will think about it”, she says uncomfortably, her fingers twitching restlessly as if she wants to grip something, but is making an effort to keep them flat on the table. In her head she is still wrestling with the concept of how Tos’un granted her the freedom to choose so easily, as if it was the most natural thing in the world. Maybe for him it is, she thinks. As far as she knows the women in his life have mostly been able to do whatever they liked to him, without Tos’un having much power to stop them. Naturally they would not have cared about consulting him before turning their attentions elsewhere either. She has never considered it quite from this angle though. 

 

“Maybe you should stop pushing now”, Tos’un says calmly when Jaellien opens his mouth again, with a less than satisfied expression on his face. “Give her time to get used to the concept.” 

 

“If you think it best.” 

 

Sinnafein, who knows very well how stubborn Jaellien can be at times, is quite impressed with his quick acquiescence. She also knows that it will not be the last time they have talked about this. But at least they are talking now, she decides, wondering how Hralien will react to this strange arrangement they are planning. 

  
  


______________

 

Epilogue

  
  


“Soon you will be too old to wear such braids”, Jaellien is telling Doumi as he fixes the last strands of her elaborate hairstyle, but she just laughs.

 

“I will never be too old to let you play with my hair Li! Nobody can do it as well as you!” 

 

Sinnafein watches the door, because after witnessing this kind of scene repeatedly during the last months she is sure that Tos’un must be coming in any moment. She has no idea how Jaellien manages to time it so that Tos’un never arrives before he can finish Doumi’s hair, but also never very much later. She is increasingly sure though, that it is part of some elaborate game the two are playing. 

 

It is all in the details, she decides. The way Jaellien just bows his head a tiny bit and smiles when Tos’un comes in just in time to see Doumi leave with her hair done up into these special braids. The way her husband focuses on him for just a split second too long, before giving her his usual greeting, bowing down to kiss her lightly on the cheek. 

 

She already knows what is coming when Tos’un smiles at the blond mage a little too sweetly and asks: “Would you like to help me prepare tonights meal?” 

 

The only time when Jaellien will bow gracefully to such a request is after he has done something to challenge Tos’un first. At least that is what Sinnafein has deduced after watching them go through this several times now in several variations of the same theme. She is well aware that Jaellien hates cooking with a passion. They seem to flow around each other seamlessly in this little dance of small barbs and inconsequential little punishments. 

 

It is all very subtle, but by now she is almost certain that they want her to notice. 

 

When she goes to talk to Hralien about it later he just sighs in answer. 

 

“I think it is time”, he says. 

 

“Time for what?” Sinnafein asks, although she can easily guess. 

 

“For you to decide.” 

 

She looks down into her lap. Three years have passed since their Talk and privately she is very much impressed by the progress the two men have made during that time. The way forward has not always been easy, but nowadays they have settled into an understanding of each others strengths and weaknesses that seems to run surprisingly deep. Neither of them has ever mentioned the topic of sex again since that day, but that does not mean it has not been there in the background. It is often present in small things, in the way she can sometimes see Tos’un’s eyes follow the curve of Jaellien’s lips while he talks or the way Jaellien will sometimes fall silent and curl his fingers into fists in his lap, while they are all sitting at the table over a meal, as if he needs to consciously control himself keep them where they are. 

 

“Would you think me terribly selfish if I said that I almost wish they had not come so far in such a short time?” 

 

Hralien shrugs. 

 

“It is probably normal to feel this way.”

 

As much as Sinnafein admires him for his ability to be impartial, right now she also wishes he would just tell her what to do, so she would not have to decide for herself. She sighs heavily. 

 

“It would be cruel to deny them, when I can see they both want this”, she admits as much to herself as to Hralien, “especially after they have been so willing to wait, without pressuring me. But it is so hard to let go of something I have always thought should be mine alone.” 

 

“If you cannot then Tos’un will respect that.” 

 

Sinnafein smiles wistfully.

 

“Yes, he would, but I would always feel as if I was denying him something or taking too much from him.” She shakes her head. “I know how he looks when he wants me and it is very similar to the way he watches Jaellien sometimes, even though he has been trying very hard not to be obvious about it.” Another sigh passes her lips. “I do not want him to resent me.” 

 

“I do not think he would, even if you decided you could not do this.”

 

“No”, she agrees, still unhappy. “But I probably would.” 

  
“Well”, Hralien says. “It seems you have your answer then.” 


End file.
